Chapter 12 - Revision History
Tower Of Karma
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Base version created Nov 13, 2025 8:56 AM
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Nov 13, 2025 8:59 AM
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Notes:
Uniformisation de la narration au passé simple/imparfait pour une cohérence temporelle avec le reste du texte.
Clarification de certaines phrases confuses ou littérales pour mieux refléter le sens implicite (ex. la culpabilité de William, le rôle de Stracless, les motivations de l'ancien roi).
Allègement de formulations lourdes et répétitives tout en conservant le ton interne (monologue) et l’intensité émotionnelle.
Correction de faux sens potentiels (Laconia abandonnée, caprice de l'ancien roi, 'poison' potentiel pour Sa Majesté, etc.) sans réinterpréter l’intrigue.
Ajustement du registre des dialogues : maintien d’un ton familier entre camarades (Wolff, Nika, Karl) et d’un ton plus formel à la cour d’Ostberg et à Arkland.
Harmonisation des termes propres : conservation cohérente de 'Stracless', 'Mouton Noir', 'Mercenaires Noirs (Noir Garou)', 'Chevaliers d’Ark', etc., sans franciser les noms propres.
Clarification de certaines indications de sujet/personne (qui parle, qui pense) lorsqu’ambigu en français tout en restant discret.
Correction d’erreurs grammaticales et typographiques mineures (accords, ponctuation, guillemets, espaces insécables implicites).
Maintien volontaire de certaines tournures légèrement abruptes ou poétiques pour conserver le style light novel / japonais.
Re-evaluate William’s pronouns. Unless external canon confirms William as female at this stage, use masculine or neutral phrasing; the EN/JP context (and name) strongly suggest a boy. This is the single most critical consistency/accuracy issue.
Clarify "la colère tournée vers elle-même". The source "Anger towards you will come out later" is ambiguous (self vs other). Either keep it literal and ambiguous ("Cette colère rejaillira plus tard") or, if guided by original JP, specify correctly.
Align key worldbuilding terms: keep "Sept Royaumes" where the source says "seven kingdoms" for Ostberg’s internal structure, unless you have authoritative terminology elsewhere in the series that mandates "principautés".
Review the Stracless/Kimon section: ensure that the mentions of "vice-president" / "vice-general" are mapped consistently to the correct in-universe roles (vice-commandant, etc.) and that no secondary character (e.g. a distinct Hitsuro) is unintentionally merged.
For Noir Garou: decide on a consistent, justified rendering. If the original JP is "Noir Garou" (black werewolf/black wolves), your use of wolves and meute is good, but drop contradictory traces like "lapins" in any future segments. If "Black Rabbits" is canon, keep it and adjust metaphors accordingly.
Revisit heavily interpretive lines to stay closer to the original tone: e.g., William’s self-critique, Stracless’s battlefield ecstasy, the aphorisms on invincibility/wolves. Slightly reduce embellishments like "c’est parfait ainsi !" where the source is more raw or ominous.
The final invocation "Déesse des batailles" is elegant but departs from "Himiko" in the source. If Himiko is a specific entity/name in the original, preserve it ("Himiko, montre-moi...") or annotate; avoid silently changing proper nouns with potential plot relevance.
Maintain all small beats/onomatopoeia where they convey character: some laughs, exclamations, and awkward phrasing can be reflected more literally (or compensated) to retain characterization, even while keeping French natural.
Minor polishing: check a few comedic/banter lines for clarity (e.g., "je vais te renvoyer cent fois à ton médaillon !"), to ensure their intent (taunt vs inside joke) is understandable without overinterpreting.
Applied Recommendations:
Improvement
Improvement
Improvement
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